Name Change Explained
I am asked about my name all the time.
Which makes total sense.
I would probably comment or ask too.
I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
But, having a resource like this I can share is real nice.
The Quick Answer
Some important bits to know first:
I’ve thought about changing my name since 3rd grade
Trauma is tricky
I didn’t pick the name directly. I picked the life I felt called to, the energy signature I felt was mine to emit, and then, with help, reverse-engineered what the top name options were to support getting me there. When I first saw & considered the name Cozy Ace, I laughed out loud and figured there was no way in hell I’d actually do that.
I’m a bit of a creature
In 2021, I was finishing up my third year (of what would become five), of weekly trauma therapy. Huge shifts and changes were happening inside me, and I was less insulated from my pain than I had ever been. I was becoming more and more ready to face whatever I found inside.
My therapist at the time brought up the idea of a name change as a potential method to create some space and distance from the claustrophobic trauma profile I was experiencing. I was immediately intrigued, it having been a few years since I’d thought about doing that. My therapist referred me to a woman he trusted.
After meeting with this woman, who I will refer to as my witch, I felt all sorts of energy and life within me moving towards this decision. The exact kind of life and energy for which I was feeling so thirsty. It took me years to execute on it — it didn’t become legally official till March 2023.
I changed my name, fully expecting nothing much to come from it, but hoping maybe it might help in some way. Because I desperately wanted to be free from a lot of trauma, weight, and nervous system issues.
I wasn’t sure what would happen, but it turns out that changing my name has really helped me move on and individuate out of a system that was toxic for who I am at my core. In conjunction with other catalysts, this new name situation has given me both the space & propulsion I needed to build a better life that’s mine and that works for me. It was either grow or die, so I chose to give my life one last push, and see if I could grow into a less painful paradigm.
Changing my name to Cozy Ace meant and means me choosing into my life, claiming my sovereignty, believing that my existence was for me to experience — and not for any one person or corporation to dominate. I hoped that life had more in store for me than the pain I was carrying. I was right.
So far, it’s working out better than I dreamed. And it’s costed me more than words can express.
Mysticism
I was born into the Mormon / LDS faith tradition. My family lived and breathed it — and that air didn’t burn the lungs of my 5 older brothers like it did mine. I accept that my experience of that church is mine alone, and doesn’t need to represent anyone else there.
The 2 main parts of the church experience I had that resonated most with me were:
The New Testament Sermon on the Mount Jesus stuff
The mystic belief that union with or absorption into the Deity or the absolute, or the spiritual apprehension of knowledge inaccessible to the intellect, may be attained through contemplation and self-surrender
Attaining insight into ultimate or hidden truths has not only always resonated with me, but I’ve felt it as a visceral experience inside my body ever since I can remember. I felt a tangible sense that there was much to learn if I paid attention, kept an open mind, and challenged the illusions I held. Over time my concept of mysticism has shifted to include a wider breadth — Buddhist awakening and Hindu prajna, in nondualism, and in the realization of emptiness and ego-lessness, and also to altered states of consciousness such as samadhi.
Simply put, I grew up being taught to prioritize a spiritually-driven, values-based life more than anything else. More than money, comfort, sex, power, convenience, or fear.
I still feel this way. I like where it’s taken me.
But, the older I got, the more apparent it became that adults are ubiquitously capable of lying to themselves, and thus everyone else. I heard high-aiming, altruistic words come out of the mouths of the adults around me, that didn’t match their subsequent actions. I saw everyone acting like they were doing the same thing, but in truth, everyone was picking and choosing what felt right for them. Keeping track of and handling the cognitive dissonance of how I was taught to live life, felt like it was slowly choking me to death no matter how hard I tried to meet the expectations of my family and the church.
I have had all sorts of spiritual experiences throughout my life, and meeting with the woman who helped me choose my name was and still is one of the most powerful, insane, and mind-blowing mystical experiences I’ve ever had. Every time I return to meet with her, it’s even better than the last. These experiences with my “witch” helped me grow the courage to commit to the name change and see it through.
The Witch
(coming soon)
